The Partially True History of the Doughnut

In early colonial times, Dutch settlers arrived on US soil seeking freedom from the strictly enforced Writs of Pastry. These laws were created after a freak accident in which a cow kicked over a giant fryer causing much of Strudeldorf to be drenched in hot oil and fried to a golden brown. The new arrivals, careful not to mention the Strudeldorf incident back in Holland, were allowed to resume the making of their one true passion: fried cakes.

In the days when fried cakes ruled the earth, life was harsh. The cakes were difficult to fry all the way through which often left a gooey doughy center. The doughy unfried cake center often carried deadly diseases such as the bubonic plague and anthrax. Thousands of people and twelve bakers (the baker's dozen) died from eating unfried cakes. Still, people ate and ate not knowing if their next fried cake would be the last.

It was then a young lad by the name of Hanson Gregory stepped onto the scene. The year was 1847. Seventy years had passed since the United Stated fought Britain for independence.

The American Civil War was still several years away. Without any local wars to fight, Americans had little to do. Hanson's mother was a dedicated cake maker living on the cutting edge of pastry technology. Day in and day out she fried cakes with relentless passion. Sometimes though, even her fried cakes were doughy in the center. To conceal this, she began placing walnuts and hazelnuts in the center of the fried cakes, but this left little Hanson feeling very sad because the only thing he hated more than a doughy center were walnuts and hazelnuts on doughy centers.

One night while Hanson was sleeping, an angel appeared to him. The angel was holding a giant plate of fried cakes still dripping with hot oil. "Hanson," said the angel, "You must end the suffering of your people. Reveal the true nature of these fried cakes. Also, try one of the glazed.. they're quite tasty." The angel left, but the plate of fried cakes remained. Upon closer inspection, Hanson was shocked to discover that the fried cakes were hole-y. He ran into the streets shouting about his experience with the angel and giving these glorious pastries to the townspeople. Everyone agreed they were the best fried cakes ever. The people sang and danced for many days then had Hanson burned at the stake for being a witch.